Late Night Shopping: Good/Evil? You be the Judge! A Comparative Essay...

Throughout the ages, certain contentious issues have seen neighbours, nations and religious groups divided. Today, we are faced with yet another pressing issue. That of whether or not Late Night Shopping can be considered a 'good thing'. First and foremost, let me just draw your attention to the title of this essay. It should be noted that you are supposed to pronounce the punctuation marks. Therefore, you should say: Late Night Shopping colon Good slash Evil question mark You be the Judge exclamation mark A Comparative Essay dot dot dot. I inadvertently took inspiration from 30 Rock Episode 2.07 when Tracy Jordan talks about the name of his book... "Betrayal. Semi-colon. What Really Happened With My Baseball Team. Comma. Disaster at Knuckle Beach. Question mark." Quite unlike the essay topic, the fact that this line is extremely humorous script writing cannot be disputed. So let's begin with an explanation of my involvement in the issue in question.

The other night, after a hearty dinner, my housemate Maki asked if I wanted to go with him and his girlfriend Mel to the 24 hour K-mart later to buy a printer. I was feeling full of verge and vigour, and knew there was nothing I actually needed to buy so I agreed. First we watched a movie, inconsequentially it was named "Easy A", and it was then that we set off on our late night adventure. Instead of showering I was comparing prices of shower gel. Instead of getting into my pyjamas I was to be browsing the sizes and styles in the sleepwear section. Instead of tripping over my shoes on my way to bed and once again not putting them away, i was setting out to buy even MORE shoes. You get the picture I'm sure. It wasn't until I saw a car outside K-Mart sporting a boot on the tyre that I realised just what this late night shopping was all about. Of course I made an obligatory wise crack about how the lady who owned the car was probably still wandering around the aisles of K-mart lost, dazed, emaciated and survivng only on stolen candy. We all had a good laugh about it, but behind my chuffed smirk was the faintest whiff of realisation that I could possibly be right - we could bump into a shop-aholic who had fallen off the grid entirely. The thought scared me a little. If it were some crazy M. Night Shyamalan script I was playing part in, I worried that perhaps I was in fact somehow the shop-aholic trapped inside and the car was MINE *dun dun dunnnn* But then I remembered that M Night Shyamalan hasn't had a loophole-free script in a while so I breathed a sigh of relief and kept walking.

Approaching the well-lit entrance I thought "I don't need anything really...just going for a look..." but part of me knew I would walk out with something. It was as though there were a greater power at play. The ghosts of all who have perished in a shopping frenzy at 4am were beckoning me forth. Once inside, I suppose the first thing I thought was "How Convenient that Mel can buy her printer after 10pm!". Indeed, it is very convenient. Sure you can jump online and order a printer at any time of the day or night too, but you'll be sitting there twiddling your thumbs for a few weeks until you actually get it. So for shift workers, insomniacs, part-timers, junkies, road-trippers, forgetful people... or even bored people, it is very convenient to be open so late. Perhaps it is not so good for shop-aholics though. It can lead to some unwise considerations.... 

Impulse buying at its scariest. While it can be said that these things are indeed a little bit wrong, it's not to say that they aren't hilarious! We laughed and laughed, oh how we laughed! The entertainment factor is alive and well in 24 hour K-mart. I think the entertainment level is contingent to the number of people you are with. If you are with a group of laughing wise guys then I think you can expect a good thorough browse and chuckle. If you are on your own, you may feel the eyes of every lost soul in the store on your basket wondering what you are buying late at night. They will do this regardless, but it's easier to handle when you've got a posse behind you, so you can be all "Whatchu lookin' at esse? huh? huh? Choo wanna start somethin? Didn't think so... yeah you BETTER run...". But yes on your own, late night shopping would be a bit more depressing. Maybe you aren't depressed yourself, but seeing the other people wandering around aimlessly might be a bit confronting. I haven't attempted a solo mission yet, but I know that I had so much fun in a group and would recommend it to anyone - it definately kills boredom!

One thing is for sure, without the distraction of people and noise, you really come to realise some of your slightly under the surface fetishes. There was no reason for me to be there but I still managed to buy all of this:

Well OK, some of this looks useful and neccessary right? This wasn't even half of it. I also got 6 couch cushions which maki was carrying haha! Goodbye 70's cartoon pillows. So yes, unrealised fetishes.

Fetish number 1: cheap flats
I bought 2 pairs @ $5 each. Pink... and silver. Silver. SILVER! I can't imagine when I am going to wear silver shoes... but at least now they are in the pile of cheap cool shoes I have picked up along the way and may wear one day. I do this A LOT. People ask "Oh cool, new shoes?" and I go "err.... sort of. I bought them a year ago and haven't worn them yet...." This also applies to jackets and clothes. It always seems like a good idea at the time.

Fetish number 2: Wrapping Paper
At $2 per roll, how could I say no? Exactly, I couldn't! So I bought some. I have to make sure I have a wrapping paper for every occasion, for both males and females, and it has to look cool. I always picture what it will look like with a ribbon around it, and if it passes the ribbon test I buy it. I have a large bag of wrapping accessories in my garage, and it is growing larger with every late night shopping spree.

Fetish Number 3: Bras
I always buy pretty bras and now have like 10 or so, but I always seem to wear the same 2 or 3. They are: my favourite (black/grey leopard print with hot pink interior), Josh's favourite (red push-up with white polka dots), and of course the boring T-shirt bra (does not even deserve an explanation). The others get a tad neglected but it's always a treat when I wear them and then Josh does the whole "Oooh, new bra?" thing where I guiltily look down at my 'new shoes' and go "er....yeah....whatever just rip it off!"

Fetish Number 4: Umbrellas
This is the scoop guys, this fetish is just blossoming. For the last... 6 months.... I have been fantasising about developing my umbrella collection. I had a rainbow one for, like, I dunno... close to 10 years; but it was tragically stolen from, or should I say WITH, my car. Perhaps I am trying to fill the void by slutting around with other umbrellas? Who knows. I bought a clear one in winter which broke after 1 use. Now I have this new frilly pink one I picked up in my late night k-mart frenzy. She is pretty good. Stay tuned for more news on my developing collection. I have my eye on about 4 more and am yet to buy :)

Ok, that's enough about fetishes.. let's talk about the difference in VIBE at late night shopping. It is different. Maybe it's got something to do with this guy....

Everyone is suspicious of one another, and as mentioned earlier they all stare at what you have bought. I swear I saw one staff member waiting for me to walk past so he could open a packet of lollies. He was stacking the shelves and was taking a while to hold one packet with both hands near the opening, fingers pinched on either side. I was walking toward him to get a basket for my growing collection of stuff and he eye-balled me the whole way until I turned around and I swear I heard him tear open the packet! So if the staff feel comfortable shoplifting, imagine the message that passes onto the customers: us. See Mel's basket of stuff?

....All stolen. Nah just kidding. But look at the lack of people and lack of staff involvement. If you wanted to shoplift, now would be the time. But seriously, here is us leaving with all our stuff....

I spent about $115 in this one trip. I got: 2 pairs of shoes, 1 work top, 1 umbrella, 1 bra, 1 bustier, 1 pair of nderwear, 1 roll of wrapping paper, 1 can deoderant, 1 shampoo, 3 lollipops, 3 skirt coat-hangers, and 6 couch cushions. I am pretty sure that's it. I did well, i think.

So, to conclude... I think shopping at this time of night is better as I dislike bogan crowds and noise and waiting in line for change rooms or registers. I also enjoy people watching, and it is funny at this hour of night. My relaxed attitude meant that I could have a better look around at everything, which ultimately meant I made more purchases, but if I keep this behaviour occasional I'll be fine :)

Side note: I also made this new dish! It's an adapted version of Jamie Oliver's 30 minute feasts. It is Piri Piri Chicken!! I thought it was great! I added sweet potato and potato to it to make it more stew-like...

Loved it! Well, I must be off! Maybe I will remember the recipe one day and update this post :)

In the Lygon Street Zone!

Do Y'all know Lygon Street? I'm sure if you're from around here then you would for sure. It's the Italian restaurant mecca of Melbourne. Very famous etc etc. The problem for me is the abundance of "Ferrari restaurants".. you know the dark 70's style decor with faded Ferrari posters on the wall? Yes, those. Well I had a few Ferrari experiences around here so I'm always looking for nice new places to go! Josh and I have come here quite a bit as it's near my work and his uni, and we occasionally go the the NOVA cinema on Mondays when tickets are $8! The place directly across from Nova is called "Tiamo" and i love it! But going there 3 times in a row was starting to feel a tad.... thoughtless. So we tried a place closer to the city end which was OK, and then on Monday night Josh and I tried "D.O.C" onthe corner of Faraday and Drummond.

Let me just say: I really liked it! From what I can gather from the Italian menu, it is a concept restaurant which is kind of like a mozzarella bar with multiple cheeses on offer. They had some antipasto on offer, and a selection of pizzas with what I can only imagine are carefully designed with the nicest ingredients in stock. No Don salami here. On the back of the menu they have descriptions of types of cheeses and salamis on offer...

So we drank some Italian Beers while we perused the menu and stared around at the passers by...

And then got our pizzas very quickly and they had that "minimal" vibe to them which i like, especially when everything on it was top quality and tasty! If we go there again (I'm sure we will) I'll get the pizza which had cremy broccoli something on it :)

I demolished mine!! And I even had a bite of Josh's too! Make no mistake people, I have a healthy appetite! A fact which many old people like to tell me, and a fact which I suppose I should embrace. It's just a shame that this deliciously relaxing dinner was spoiled by the movie we saw afterwards. Josh gave me the option of two movies.. one set in Tokyo and one set in Finland. So can you guess which one I chose? Yah, Tokyo.

We saw "Enter the void" - a French film in English about an American guy living in Tokyo who dies during a drug deal and comes back as a ghost to revisit past experiences and watch over his redneck fucking dickhead stripper sister who is incestuous and fucked up from growing up in foster homes. It comes with an Epilepsy warning... maybe I should have heeded the warning. But no, I chose the movie and we sat through almost 2 hours of it while a few people left, and then we called it quits after the abortion scene. As did the man sitting next to us. Maybe I'm not "cool" enough to appreciate the message behind it, but whatever. It was boring and repetitive, and each time i saw a light or lamp in a scene i was fearful because the ghost camera hovering around the room goes into the light and you are assaulted by a white screen of strobe for 20 seconds, then the ghost backs out and flies around some more and watches his sister fucking her gross sleazy boss. I dunno, i dont want to recommend it, but i think it would be interesting to see what point you get sick of it and walk out. i couldnt imagine sitting there for another half an hour or whatever was left of the movie... and i felt gross and depressed for the whole night and all of yesterday from it. I'm kinda past the assaulted feeling now and just dislike it. I liked the opening credits and the scenes near the very beginning where they were walking around Tokyo... i felt very nostalgic. And there was one scene during a flashback where his sister is taken away from him which was genuinely sad, and not a punch in the face like other shit going on it the movie. hmm.... thats about it. But it was so indulgent and wanky.

That is the second movie I have walked out on. The first was that Johnny Knoxville movie "The Ringer" where he pretends to be special needs in order to win gold at the special olympics. The audience were such bogans and were laughing AT the downs syndrome actors instead of along with the movie. It was horrific.

Anyway "Enter the Void"... to see or not to see?? YOU BE THE JUDGE. Some people have never walked out on a movie, it's a good feeling.

Fruit 1 of 5... papayaaaa

My feelings toward this fruit can be neatly summarised into 3 letters...

Ok, I didn't see the bottom when i bought it, otherwise I'm quite sure you wouldn't be reading this right now. It seriously looks like a dinosaur egg with herpes. Nonetheless, I didn't judge the book by its cover too harshly and got out a knife to cut a little sliver off. And my opinion... 



That's right. I do not like Papaya. Maybe it was a bad one, who knows? But all I know is that before when I heard "papaya" I thought of body wash and expected it to taste like mango, now all i think of is the way i slowly chewed it and shuddered and considered spitting it out. I thought maybe the seed area was where the flavour was at- like passionfruit kinda- but no, that was even worse.

If anyone has any suggestions on a weird fruit that is actually nice, I would love to hear about it...

fucking fuck fuck

well hello there! It has been a long time, yes yes I know. And I'm very sorry. the reason I have not been blogging is mainly because I have been busy in the lead up to moving house which I am doing from tomorrow onwards. I was using my lunch breaks to get home insurance quotes and calling up various utility companies to organise final readings etc.

THEN as luck would have it, life dealt me a swift kick in the guts on Friday when I discovered my car had been stolen from the train Station after work. I got off the train at about 5pm (as i finished early) and was concentrating very hard on not getting my nice red open toe shoes wet in the puddles and the rain. I was too busy looking down to notice that my car was no longer there. When I did realise, I must say I got slightly frantic and emotional and i paced up and down the rows of cars looking around like a crazy lady. I suddenly remembered that i actually KNEW the exact spot I parked in, because the car in front of mine had parked funny which I noted to myself in the morning. So when I was standing in the spot where my car had been, dripping wet with squelching shoes longing for the umbrella that was in my car, that's when shit became real. I had to call my mum to come and get me, and then we noticed there were police already at the station for another reason, so we waited and chatted to them and made the report. The condescending cop was like "now love, are you sure you didn't just park it in a different spot to usual and forget..?" pffft. as if. So then Josh came too for support and took me home for a hot shower and a cup of tea and some pep-talk. I basically just have to wait now.

It's so shit. Couldn't have happened at a worse time as I am shifting house tomorrow - if i can get a car to use. And I had saved up really hard every week after paying the mortgage, bills, rent, food, train ticket, petrol etc to get like $1,500 which i was planning to use on improvements for the new house. Now I cannot spend any of it in case I have to get a new car or pay my excess for repairs if my car is all smashed up. It is so frustrating that I work hard and do everything properly and keep getting dealt all these massive random blows. I'm getting tired! And there are people out there running around doing all this illegal shit under the radar and they just take everything they want without having to work hard for it. Makes me sick. Maybe they are the smart ones really...? Maybe a life of crime is something I should consider, turn the tables a little... live in a GTA world. Fuck this man.

So yes I'm trying so hard to be positive about my situation. I know it could be sooooo much worse. I know there are people out there in the world who will never own a car. There are people out there who won't even make it to my age. At least i didnt have a loan on my car which i'd have to still pay off. BUT my car is old and i wont get much insurance for it. My mum is really encouraging and keeps saying "things will turn around, something good will happen..." whereas my dad is like "yeep.... life is shit. just one kick after another until you're dead." not even joking, thats what he was saying last night. So yes. I think I will take the rest of the week off work and focus on the house and packing and moving and trying to think how lucky i am to have so many THINGS and my health etc etc.

jade out.

bane of my existence: wheelie suitcases

I have to let you in on a little quirk I have. That little quirk is called 'anger'. I am usually pretty unphased by most things, but when I am hung-over or have a cold or am too cold or too hot or have PMS I get unreasonably and irrationally angry. After my work's Christmas party, we were walking to lunch in China Town hung-over and I got unreasonably angry at the man in front of me, but in particular his pin stripe suit. It was just too much. Today, I got angry at suitcases. You know those wheelie ones?

Well lately I have been noticing some (obviously) very important people trotting around town with those in tow. They have so much stuff to carry to work that they need a wheelie suitcase to fit it all in. The problem I have with this is that they walk slower than usual and drag them like a meter or so behind them. I saw one today and it reminded me of an unfortunate rush-hour annoyance last week. Usually I walk pretty fast and will just go around wheelie bag people if they are walking in front of me, but there's not much you can do when you are walking in a pack through the tunnels of Flinders Street Station and you see them pop up to your right, with their freshly acquired mX paper tucked under their arm and they decide to cut off the whole pack and slowly wheel across in front of you all, and go up the ramp to your left.

By this stage in my life I am pretty spatially aware and I know how much space to give people when walking next to or behind them. I also know that I can keep up my pace and just kind of slither around the back of someone if they are walking across my path. However that's pretty hard to do when someone's personal space increases to like 2 meters square due to the addition of one sporty suitcase. I didn't realise this man had a suitcase so I slowed down to let him pass, and I was about to continue walking just as his body passed mine, when I noticed that if I took one more step I would trip over his suitcase and land on my precious face (possibly with my mouth open from screaming, and my tongue scraping the floor). Obviously I had to abruptly stop walking - a faux pas in peak hour at Flinders - causing someone to bump into me from behind.

It seems like a non-issue, I know, but this shit is what sends some daily peak hour travelers over the edge, man! They have a train to catch. They have a particular seat they need to sit in before that other person who always obliviously steals their seat beats them to it once again, effectively RUINING their whole day. So by stopping, I potentially helped ruined someone's day. I don't want that on my conscience! No way! What if that person finally decided to put those murderous rampage thoughts into practice when they got home? What if they took their annoyance out on their kids by throwing all of their toys into the open fire. Just because you have told you kids a hundred times to pack up their toys before bed or else you would throw them in the fire, it doesn't mean you can actually do it, DAD! I really loved my Barbie horse van :(

a retraction

Dear readers,

I have been asked by Josh to retract many of the things I said in my last post about podcasts. Here is what he sent me:

"Just so you know Jade... I actually download my own podcasts now. I don't rely on any dealers. Your blog lacks critical research!

Secondly, I knew both reasons for 'news' - i didn't believe one or the other, i was just offering both opinions that i knew.

ALSO you cannot download the back catalogue of 'This american life" for free, it cost $1 per podcast. Though you can download the latest issue for free on iTunes, so when you join you can download for free from that point onward.

I almost became a member of your blog just so i could publicly criticize your lack of preperation and fact checking, but then i realised i'd just be supporting your hatchet job ethics and spurring you onto greater lies and poorer research (just like in the wire season 5) if that's even possible!!!"

I have changed the text colour to brown because frankly YOUR WORDS ARE POO JOSH! SMELLY, SMELLY POO! ahem..

Well JOSH... I think you have made yourself quite clear. I hope you are happy. Thank you for enlightening me and my readers to the fact that I am a HACK, and for taking issue with the fact that during my lunch-break (aka BLOG TIME) I don't have time to read each website in depth, as I am too busy trying to please others. Reeeeal nice.

And Josh, after enraging me with the initial message, sending the following message less than 1 hour later when I was on my way home was potentially detrimental to your health...

"Hey baby can I have a special treat, maybe some iced cream? Mmmhmm"

God damn you for being able to quell my anger with your sickening cuteness. You play me like a yo-yo! You're lucky I didn't poison your 'iced cream' Josh. Damn lucky... look at your stupid face:

*hmph*

a letter of resignation from friendship

Daragh said I should write this letter to him. I must say it was very therapeutic. He will no doubt rebut or return the slander...

Dear Daragh Quinn,

I'm writing to tell you that we can no longer be friends.

I'm sure you are already aware of the reasons why I detest your pitiful existence but I will have to re-iterate because so far you have managed to ignore my multiple pleas to curl up and die, and still cling onto the frail bond that BARELY exists between us.

OK, so for starters - get a real name. Do you know how annoying it was to figure out how your name was pronounced when I first saw it? Well i'll tell you - it was pretty fucking hard. I would have much prefered to spend that time and energy scraping under my toenails and eating whatever I found. And all of that energy I SELFLESSLY, that's right SELFLESSLY, expended on your behalf was thrown back in my face the next time I spoke to my cousin and she told me your name was DA-RA like DA in "dapple" and RA like in "Ranga". She laughed at me for thinking your name was "da-rahhh" pronounced in a hoity toity kind of way. Right now I would love to dissolve into an undiscipherable Courtney Love style facebook rant detailing how annoying you are chiefly because of your dumb FACE!

Another reason you should be castrated before you damage the planet any further is that you probably have Famers Union iced coffee for sperm by now, and aside form the fact that your child would have severe brain damage under normal circumstances, it would just be murder to bring it (that's right) into the world. Even if you tried to find the most desirable genetic female to carry your child, I'm pretty sure that it would just drag her down into the pits of hell with it. You have no chance, and I aim to end your gentic line now. You know that guy who always follows you around and then kicks you in the groin at unexpected moments? Well yes, I hired him. I'm just trying to make the world a better place here fella, it's what MJ would have wanted...

So I have to admit that you aren't TOTALLY useless. I guess as an engineer you design parts for drills or something, right? Also you draw comics sometimes which are funny once you have explained it to me for the second time as I cannot usually get onto the correct wavelength to understand. Unlike you, I do not get "mistaken" for an acid tripper at work and get relocated to another state. Maybe when you are dead they will use one of your drills to dig the grave, or if you are burned alive they will use your comics as kindling? We can only hope.

Another thing that annoys me is that you live in Perth. Come on. Who lives in Perth?? I suppose it is just that much further away that I dont have to associate with you and your stinky bumholeface! I guess that's a plus. When I am making falafels tonight I will end up sad because i just know that when I am trying to form the little balls I will be so angry that you are alive that I will pound them into non-existence. Then no falafels for me :(

The real reason that I hate you so much is hard for me to go into without wanting to snap the keyboard into little pieces... but here I go. When I met you - the first, only and hopefully LAST time - I discovered something about you which made my blood boil. The fact that you were so non-chalant about it made it even worse. The reason I wish you dead is because you had never heard of that trick where you stand in a doorway and press the backs of your hands hard against the frame for an extended period of time and then step forward and put your hands at your side and watch the magic fun fun times ensue. I just cannot live with that, I'm sorry.

It doesn't bother me that you are a racist or a sexist or addicted to smothering yourself in farmers union iced coffee and having dogs lick you clean... none of that matters. Everyone has their quirks.. But this i will not stand for. I WILL NOT.

Now, If I have learnt anything from TV - Dexter has taught me the best way to dispose of unwanted problems. The next time you see me Daragh, will be when you walk into your front room and see everything covered in glad wrap, and i will pop out frombehind the door and fulfill my destiny. There is no other way. It doesn't matter that you TRIED the trick at the pub, the damage had been done long ago.

Well old frenemy... I guess this is it.

Until the Gladwrap,
Jade

a letter of hate

Dear Scumbag Fuckfaces who broke into my car,

I hate you. I don't actually know you, but I can confidently say that I hate you.

The reason for my hate stems from the fact that you have invaded my privacy twice now, and I am assuming you felt no remorse for this. The first time, you felt it was a mad idea to break into my car in my own driveway and steal my CD Player which I got as a present and all my CDs. Awesome. Not only was I now fearful for the security of my car, i was also mildly afraid for my life and all the possessions in my home. If I were to make a list of the Top 5 people I would never want in my house, you would be on it. Lemme break it down for you...

5) THE PUSSYCAT DOLLS
4) A CREEPY OLD MAN AFTER MY FLESH (ANY)
3) SNOOP DOGG
2) KEVIN BACON
1) YOU AND YOUR SICK FUCK FRIENDS

I didn't really let myself get too worked up about the incident as I was running late for work when I stumbled across the evidence of your late-night visit. However, when I realised that you stole my PEZ from the car I was utterly shocked. Why would you possibly want my PEZ re-fill? I had to laugh when I remembered that little packet of PEZ had been living in the bottom of my handbag for a few months and was covered in perfume, lip gloss, and other bag content residue. I was secretly chuffed 2 days later when I saw the PEZ laying in the grass of my front lawn. Obviously upon closer inspection you realised that it was not as desirable as you had previously thought. Hazah! It was like I planned it all along. A small disappointment for you there, albeit paled by comparison to my own disappointment that fateful morn. Looks like you'll have to get your sugar fix elsewhere, junkie!

So, needless to say, I didn't see the point in replacing the CD Player any time soon. I worried that you would just come back and take my new one. Plus you only took the face-plate. You fucking stupid idiot. Not only could you probably not sell it to anyone unless they have the actual CD player to correspond, it makes it tricky for me to get a new face-plate too. I will just have to buy a whole new CD player and get the useless old half-one removed to make way. Then what to I do with the old one? I will leave it beside my bed so that next time you come skulking around my lawn I can throw it at your toothless head!

The second time you broke into my car was 3 days ago at my local train station. I often see evidence of your handywork scattered in little piles across the vast carpark. I had always thought that perhaps one break-in was enough for me. I thought my Karma balance was pretty good. Apparently not on Tuesday, it wasn't. I approached my car which was waaaaaaaay at the very far reaches of the carpark and when I got to the drivers side, it was like de ja vu, the little button was popped up. Joy. I swore under my breath as I opened the door and sat in the drivers seat, looking around in despair at the mess you made as you emptied the contents of my bin all over the floor. I must admit I was happy that you didn't take anything this time. Not that I had anything of value, but it didn't stop you last time from taking my precious PEZ, you fucker. So I guess, thanks for not smashing any glass to get in, and for obviously having done your homework to find out that my old car will open with just about any key. Yet, on the other hand, fuck you. fuck you SO MUCH and go suck on a horse's balls for creeping me out.

Here I am, assuming that you are some derro bogan junkie fuck, but you may not be. I just can't imagine why else you would be skulking around in the middle of the night when everyone is asleep, or in the middle of the day when everyone is at work. I don't like to generalise but what is clear is that you are a peice of shit. You may have a job, you may have 12 kids and need the extra cash. Maybe. Probably not. Anyway...

Because I don't really know where you live, I am going to assume it is in the dark depths of the Western Suburbian sewers, so I shall make a point of dropping this down the drain tonight addressed to yours truly. Hopefully it gets to you! I feel confident that you wont track me down as doing this is your job, and you must have so many clients that you begin to forget them after time, right? So I hope you enjoy this letter, and remember that the world thinks you are a:


Much Hate, Hope we never meet again,
Jade
*stab* *stab* *stab*

a disturbing love story poem

ok, i wrote this back in September 2008 when i was really sick at work and sent it around to a few friends who were really freaked out by it but loved it at the same time. I haven't seen it since then, and reading it today.... i just don't know what the fuck i was thinking. I think i may have been overdosing on Cold and Flu capsules.. I seriously don't remember writing this, i think i was in one of those typing frenzies where i just type and read it at the end. Like my clam story. Anyway, here it is. Enjoy things from the perspective of a fly. haha....


What is that sound I hear?
It comes every 15 seconds or so...
A little sniff, though it deafens the ear
The giant with glasses, and a billion red button noses.

I might fly over there, but she seems agitated.
She might shoo me or worse yet swat my body to goo.
I got close enough to see the snot in her nostril coagulated.
She didn't like that, omg I did a poo.

I can't stop vomitting, like 7 times a second, it's great.
I did one on her, now she's my bride.
The best part is when she's alseep we can mate
You don't want to kn - ok, i crawl inside!

I've done it before, and caused quite a fuss.
Gross human-fly babies flopping around on the ground.
Someone set them on fire screaming something in tounges,
and holding a cross out while dousing faster and crying loud

My brides don't last long, I'm the silent epidemic
These medievil times aren't-a-changing for me
Everytime before I transform into a handsome medic
She's burnt alive as well as our spawn...but alas not me

I am forced to walk and crawl and fly 'til such day
That i can transform with my bride-vessel by my side.
This time it will be different, no fire, no suicide, nay...
She is sickly, her immune sytem failing, oh my lucky bride

When she is in her Dimmetapp night-time cold and flu coma
I shall crawl inside her vageen, and spew forth my seed
Her body won't reject me, for I'm a clever german "brummer"
and the timing is just right, and i'm down to my socks, see..

It's business time, I'm in her fleshy catacombs
I've left my present, and now I must flee.
This time I hope they look more like garden gnomes...
Garden gnomes are all I wish I could be

2 days pass, the conditions were perfect, I was down to my socks...
Under close observation it seems my seed did not take.
Could it be in the dark I went in the wrong end? bollocks!!
Oh, what's this, she's running to the toilet!!!!

I'm buzzing around her head excitedly, she seems to have explosive diarrhoea
That's not normal...
She gets up to collapse on the floor and cry in fear
The porcelain throne to my god kings is teeming with larvae

not even time to rhyme now, they are super-powered maniacs with wings
they suddenly fly all about growing bigger every milisecond
they make everything in the room shrink, and i am just a speck upon a speck's toe
they are slamming into walls going "graaaaarllggggfffff, rarrrrrrrrr" (vom)
the girl is gone, they've scooped her up into the air and torn her apart like hungry pirahnas jumping out of the water to get a low flying tasty bird!
there is blood everywhere, and they suddenly become smarter and start rambling about aliens and then they start looking for food
oh god, what won't they eat!? even the old lady next door - NO!! ! not her!
but suddely one sneezes, then they all stop.
one slides down the wall while another drops dead.
dead.
dead.
they have the flu, a common human cold.
i guess i didn't factor that into my calculations..

thank god for being sick
like fully sick

Wow. It is so hard to read. It's like when i tried to read "And the Ass saw the Angel" by Nick Cave. It was so filthy and creepy I just couldn't finish it. Oh dear..

blog crush

well folks, i have to admit it. I have a blog crush. I have been obsessed with this blog lately called Vegan for the People which is written by 33 year old Mike K from the US. Here is Mike on a farm...

And here is a carrot gnocchi with pesto sauce which he made... among many other delicious vegan things...

He preserves and bakes and cooks and has cool pets and i think his family have a farm so he takes cool pictures of the farm. yep. I am a bit obsessed. Even though he is 10 years my senior. and I am in a 5 year relationship. and he lives on the other side of the world. BESIDES i just want to hang out and cook food with him, geez! and maybe one day feature in his blog!

.

Anyway, speaking of obsession... my cousin Bec is obsessed with my blog (yay!) and she called me the other day giggling about my Kevin Bacon rant. She said she couldn't believe I had an ex who resembled him and was nicknamed "Bacon". It is true. I thought about it today and thought EVEN THOUGH i don't want to be his friend on facebook, I want to look him up. And what do you know... he got into the spirit of Doppleganger week too. (Click Picture to read text)

I don't know who #1 is, but apparently we have a mutual friend. There you go. #2 aka the REAL "bacon" has a mutual friend with me too - my younger brother. Because YES he was younger than me. I was a teenage cougar. Oh dear i feel sick. Anyway don't ask me why his name is listed as "Matteo" cos he is true blue aussie, i guess he was just wanking with both hands when he was filling in his profile details, thus having to mash his head on the keyboard in order to type then did a clever typo... who knows?

Also if you notice in the above picture what i am looking at in the other tab. hehe. oh dear.

kevin bacon: celeb frenemy

I was watching a bit of TV last night and flicked onto a movie called "Picture Perfect" starring Jennifer Anniston and Kevin Bacon. And what I don't get, like in many of his films, is HOW IS HE THE LOVE INTEREST?! HE IS CREEPY AND GROSS!!!!!!!! I came into the movie in the scene where jen and kev are mauling eachother and about to have sex. yeah. wtf. i don't know what it is but i hate/love him. I have to admit... I own Footloose on DVD. Not because i think it is good, but because it was like $5 and i was trying to learn the dance for some reason and also its one of my favourite 80's songs. I think he is so groooooosssss and dumb and i dont see how people find him attractive. But i am compelled to watch him in all his movies. go figure.

yucky! Josh and i once had a Kevin Bacon marathon like 5 years ago or so, and we watched a few of his movies and ate only bacon products. Cheese and bacon shapes were plentiful. I also dated a guy when i was about 14 or 15 whose nickname was bacon because he looked so much like Kevin Bacon. What the fuck was wrong with me? I shudder to remember. anywayyyy i just had to express that. ok, no more bacon talk

*oink*

social commentary: eavesdroppers and bookreaders

ok so, this morning on the train i had settled into a little 2 seater bench, and this rather large guy comes and sits beside me. That's OK with me cos it was a little cold this morning so the extra body heat was appreciated. What i didn't appreciate however, was the fact that he felt it was OK to read my book whilst i was. I mean, i was reading along, and because he was pressing into my left arm and was quite close I could see him actually looking down at my page! This totally threw me off - I couldn't concentrate and kept reading the same sentence over and over. He just kept on reading. I put my hand over one of the pages (i guess not so subtly) and he quickly looked away. The knowledge that I KNEW he was read-dropping my book didn't even deter him, he just kept reading!! I tried a few different positions with the book so he would get the hint, and eventually he lost interest. Thanks to him I can't remember what happened between pages 513 and 521 of the 5th Harry Potter book. LOLZIES AS.
But I have seen people do this to people playing games on their phones or DS's - just openly leaning over and watching. But some people playing their DS on the train don't think it's neccessary to wear headphones, so you can hear every slaughter, every objective and every grunt of frustration anyway. Maybe they are inviting a crowd..? Who knows. All I know is that people are stoopid

drop it like it's hot

No thanks. I don't want to have sex with you. Well actually, I can't think of a time in my life when I would be in the presence of Snoop Dogg and he would be asking me to remove my clothes. Thank god because I would probably vomit on him before he had a chance to vomit on me.

Seriously, this guy has to be one of the ugliest "sex gods" i have ever seen. I recently sat through his music video of "Drop it like it's hot" and all i can say is... what the fuck. why?! how?! are you actually popular with the ladies? Is it because you have lots of drugs at your disposal? I don't know anyone that is high all day and has women lining up for a shag... sorry - shizzle. Oh, I know, it must be those masculine plaits in your hair, complete with pretty blue baubles. I used to sport that look in primary school and I didn't have anyone try to lez me up, so I guess it only becomes hot when you're so baked you don't even realise you've swallowed your tongue...?

I am not naiive, I realise that some women are aroused by money and power, so I am sure this is the only reason this emaciated sun dried corpse could land a fuck. I hear people make jokes about his lyrics, and always thought they were exaggerating about the "izzles" and the pointlessness of the content... oh no. not even. ahem:

"I got the rolly on my arm and I'm pouring Chandon. And I roll the best weed cause I got it going on.."

Good to know. I myself don't even wear a watch, and I drink $15 bottles of wine - but do you hear me flaunting this in song format?? no.

"So don't change the dizzle, turn it up a little
I got a living room full of fine dime brizzles
Waiting on the Pizzle, the Dizzle and the Shizzle
G's to the bizzack, now ladies here we gizzo"

um, what? I only half know what he's talking about, so obviously that is a measure of where i stand in society. I am half way up the cool ladder. Cooler than old people, but less cool than teenagers and hip-hop society. awesome.

A friend of a friend worked at this club in Melbourne where Snoop Dogg had some after party when on tour. The manager was like "give him whatever he wants" so soon there were 5,000 buckets of fried chicken that everyone was eating, while they smoked fat blunts. oh to be famous hey? also, picturing snoop dogg blazed off his face covered in chicken grease while some girl makes out with him and takes the chicken that was half masticated in his mouth into her mouth and swallows it... makes me sick. blahhh snoop dogg yuck.

The Mystery of the Black Stocking Socks

i have been finding little black stocking socks sporadically over the past... hmm maybe 2 years in various, or not so various places.

The first time i was at my boyfriend's house and found one on his floor, amongst the clothes, homework, dvds, cds and rubbish. I picked it up and went "hmm.." regarding it with utter confusion. He said "What is it?" to which i replied "It's a stocking sock." he asked if it was mine and i replied in the negative, for i don't wear ankle high stocking socks. Then i got angry "Well whose is it??" to which he got defensive "I don't know, how should i know?!". It was rude of me to assume foul play, i know. I threw it in his laundry, and thought that was the end of the stocking sock.

Wrong. A short while later, one turned up IN HIS BED! I held it up again and he started to laugh at the expression on my face. He swore he was as alarmed as I was. He had no clue how it got there. My mind naturally, and unfairly, jumped to horrible conclusions which just upset me. He was kind of amused/insulted at my reaction, and talked me around and said it was probably his mums, to which she verified that it was- although she didn't know how it got there. OK Stocking sock thing over.

Wrong again unfortunately. I found one nestled in the bottom of his backpack!!! So now i was thinking that perhaps he was a cross-dresser. I thought he should tell me the truth if he liked wearing ladies clothes. "I have some great stockings if you want." I said, jokingly. He didn't think me to be funny at all :) He said his mum had borrowed the bag.

Ok so now it is 2009, and we have moved in together. Last week i found another shin-high black stocking sock on our bedroom floor, near the door. I swear he is doing this to taunt me. he was brushing his teeth before bed, and i walked over to the bathroom door holding it by the tips of my fingernails, and held it up to him. He saw it and rolled his eyes. After spitting out the toothpaste he asked if i thought he was cheating on me. I said "not really, but why the fuck are there always stocking socks everywhere i go?!!?!?!" then i asked what he does with them, wear them on his feet or to 'wrap his package' or something else strange. He said he didnt even know it was there, and thought it was mine.

Then this morning, walking down the ramp at my local train station, what was on the path before me... but a fucking.black.stocking.sock. What is this?! Why am I being taunted?? I hate black stocking socks! They are the bane of my existence, they are the thorn in the side of our relationship, they are the elephant in the room, the black fly in your chardonnay, a death row pardon, 2 minutes.. oh wait...