a clam story...

i once read a story about a man who invested every last penny in the clam trade, and one day the stock market took a terrible turn so it somehow worked out that he OWED the clam industry 4.4 billion dollars. Anyway of course he was distraught. While he was on the edge of a bridge with a rope around his neck wearing a pair of fishnets and hot pink heels (he was also an avant garde death artist and decided his death would be a exhibition to celebrate his life's work) his beeper went off, but as he wasnt wearing clothes he had stored it up his bum. he checked the beeper to see what the last message of his life would be... it was from his stock advisor: "oops, i fucked up, the industry actually owes YOU money. haha, my bad. drinks later?" He was so excited that his massive boner attracted the attention of a pelican which flew up and nipped it, and then he fell screaming and consequently died by hanging.

The good news was that he became famous in death, and came back as a ghost but that wasn't cool or avant garde enough so he inhabited the body of a little boy, which freaked everyone out heaps. the poor little body couldnt cope with all the smoking and the drinking and the partying, and one night he choked on a clam during a kinky sexy night with what he thought was a woman. so he died a second time and the devil said that this time he wasnt allowed to come back. When the man asked why, the devil explained that when people get put back on Earth they enter into a reality show screened exclusively in hell, it's called "so ya think you can haunt?", and it's the main form of gambling in hell, apart from the flaming soul race tracks. Basically the devil releases 10 souls back onto earth (each season) telling them that they have a chance to complete their unfinished business once and for all - and everyone back in hell watches every gorey detail 24 hours a day. all the inhabitants of hell call up and vote for their favourites, and this particular man was the favourite for sure. The devil was so confident that he would continue with his haunting the longest without getting bored or giving up, so he bet his favourite sex slave gimp on it. Well when the little boy choked on the clam, that was it! the man was promptly transported back to hell right in the middle of the eviction ceremony, and the devil screamed, and created a shower of faeces and blood for 10 days without stopping. (that's only one of the perks of living in hell)

The good news with that is that the man somehow became the devil's artistic advisor and suggested he use human skin for curtains, but gather it at the bottom for country charm. the devil was a softy for country charm, and asked the guy if he wanted a promotion to 'sex slave' to which he replied "take the pressure down... i can feel it.. it's a rising like the storm" which in hell means 'no' at which the devil got a little uspet. The man explained that he still had the beeper lodged up his bum and that it just wouldn't work. luckily the devil was happy enough to keep him as artistic advisor and home decor expert. the fact that the beeper was still inside him, and still operational meant that he could still communicate with people on earth, because hell had a great network. anyway he started haunting people FROM hell, then got thrown back into the show as a wildcard! oh happy day. anyway he haunted this one paperboy that once threw a paper at his window, leaving the ink imprint of the headlines on his bedroom window. this was all ok, except the headline was "i'm videotaping the whole thing", and if he ever had any ladies in the room they would think it was a sick joke, and get all huffy and leave, vowing to never sleep with an artist again. so naturally his sexlife deminished... which is about the time he got into clams, therefore he held the paperboy directly responsible for his current situation. he haunted him like there's no tomorrow, and consequently WON the whole "haunt" competition.

Back in hell he had gained a following and started to turn the whole situation around, and eventually they made a proposal to overtake heaven. everyone up there was way too busy laying around in ecstasy (and on ecstasy) that they didnt read the proposal so all the hell people got really mad and waged war on them. it's a common misconception that people in hell are trapped souls. they can really do whatever they want, but they are all pussies and dont bother slaughtering anyone. but this was too much. they promptly went up to heaven and enslaved all the 'good souls' and consequently had two levels of hell. obviously the one below the ground was "hell classic" and the one upsatirs was marketed as "hell with a view" so all the perverts and stalkers went up there so they could be blissful in watching people all day long. and so it was that there became two hells. after this victory the man set plans in motion to overtake earth too. they were obviously going with the name "hell on earth" but they just were waiting for the appropriate time. biding.. biding....