Late Night Shopping: Good/Evil? You be the Judge! A Comparative Essay...

Throughout the ages, certain contentious issues have seen neighbours, nations and religious groups divided. Today, we are faced with yet another pressing issue. That of whether or not Late Night Shopping can be considered a 'good thing'. First and foremost, let me just draw your attention to the title of this essay. It should be noted that you are supposed to pronounce the punctuation marks. Therefore, you should say: Late Night Shopping colon Good slash Evil question mark You be the Judge exclamation mark A Comparative Essay dot dot dot. I inadvertently took inspiration from 30 Rock Episode 2.07 when Tracy Jordan talks about the name of his book... "Betrayal. Semi-colon. What Really Happened With My Baseball Team. Comma. Disaster at Knuckle Beach. Question mark." Quite unlike the essay topic, the fact that this line is extremely humorous script writing cannot be disputed. So let's begin with an explanation of my involvement in the issue in question.

The other night, after a hearty dinner, my housemate Maki asked if I wanted to go with him and his girlfriend Mel to the 24 hour K-mart later to buy a printer. I was feeling full of verge and vigour, and knew there was nothing I actually needed to buy so I agreed. First we watched a movie, inconsequentially it was named "Easy A", and it was then that we set off on our late night adventure. Instead of showering I was comparing prices of shower gel. Instead of getting into my pyjamas I was to be browsing the sizes and styles in the sleepwear section. Instead of tripping over my shoes on my way to bed and once again not putting them away, i was setting out to buy even MORE shoes. You get the picture I'm sure. It wasn't until I saw a car outside K-Mart sporting a boot on the tyre that I realised just what this late night shopping was all about. Of course I made an obligatory wise crack about how the lady who owned the car was probably still wandering around the aisles of K-mart lost, dazed, emaciated and survivng only on stolen candy. We all had a good laugh about it, but behind my chuffed smirk was the faintest whiff of realisation that I could possibly be right - we could bump into a shop-aholic who had fallen off the grid entirely. The thought scared me a little. If it were some crazy M. Night Shyamalan script I was playing part in, I worried that perhaps I was in fact somehow the shop-aholic trapped inside and the car was MINE *dun dun dunnnn* But then I remembered that M Night Shyamalan hasn't had a loophole-free script in a while so I breathed a sigh of relief and kept walking.

Approaching the well-lit entrance I thought "I don't need anything really...just going for a look..." but part of me knew I would walk out with something. It was as though there were a greater power at play. The ghosts of all who have perished in a shopping frenzy at 4am were beckoning me forth. Once inside, I suppose the first thing I thought was "How Convenient that Mel can buy her printer after 10pm!". Indeed, it is very convenient. Sure you can jump online and order a printer at any time of the day or night too, but you'll be sitting there twiddling your thumbs for a few weeks until you actually get it. So for shift workers, insomniacs, part-timers, junkies, road-trippers, forgetful people... or even bored people, it is very convenient to be open so late. Perhaps it is not so good for shop-aholics though. It can lead to some unwise considerations.... 

Impulse buying at its scariest. While it can be said that these things are indeed a little bit wrong, it's not to say that they aren't hilarious! We laughed and laughed, oh how we laughed! The entertainment factor is alive and well in 24 hour K-mart. I think the entertainment level is contingent to the number of people you are with. If you are with a group of laughing wise guys then I think you can expect a good thorough browse and chuckle. If you are on your own, you may feel the eyes of every lost soul in the store on your basket wondering what you are buying late at night. They will do this regardless, but it's easier to handle when you've got a posse behind you, so you can be all "Whatchu lookin' at esse? huh? huh? Choo wanna start somethin? Didn't think so... yeah you BETTER run...". But yes on your own, late night shopping would be a bit more depressing. Maybe you aren't depressed yourself, but seeing the other people wandering around aimlessly might be a bit confronting. I haven't attempted a solo mission yet, but I know that I had so much fun in a group and would recommend it to anyone - it definately kills boredom!

One thing is for sure, without the distraction of people and noise, you really come to realise some of your slightly under the surface fetishes. There was no reason for me to be there but I still managed to buy all of this:

Well OK, some of this looks useful and neccessary right? This wasn't even half of it. I also got 6 couch cushions which maki was carrying haha! Goodbye 70's cartoon pillows. So yes, unrealised fetishes.

Fetish number 1: cheap flats
I bought 2 pairs @ $5 each. Pink... and silver. Silver. SILVER! I can't imagine when I am going to wear silver shoes... but at least now they are in the pile of cheap cool shoes I have picked up along the way and may wear one day. I do this A LOT. People ask "Oh cool, new shoes?" and I go "err.... sort of. I bought them a year ago and haven't worn them yet...." This also applies to jackets and clothes. It always seems like a good idea at the time.

Fetish number 2: Wrapping Paper
At $2 per roll, how could I say no? Exactly, I couldn't! So I bought some. I have to make sure I have a wrapping paper for every occasion, for both males and females, and it has to look cool. I always picture what it will look like with a ribbon around it, and if it passes the ribbon test I buy it. I have a large bag of wrapping accessories in my garage, and it is growing larger with every late night shopping spree.

Fetish Number 3: Bras
I always buy pretty bras and now have like 10 or so, but I always seem to wear the same 2 or 3. They are: my favourite (black/grey leopard print with hot pink interior), Josh's favourite (red push-up with white polka dots), and of course the boring T-shirt bra (does not even deserve an explanation). The others get a tad neglected but it's always a treat when I wear them and then Josh does the whole "Oooh, new bra?" thing where I guiltily look down at my 'new shoes' and go "er....yeah....whatever just rip it off!"

Fetish Number 4: Umbrellas
This is the scoop guys, this fetish is just blossoming. For the last... 6 months.... I have been fantasising about developing my umbrella collection. I had a rainbow one for, like, I dunno... close to 10 years; but it was tragically stolen from, or should I say WITH, my car. Perhaps I am trying to fill the void by slutting around with other umbrellas? Who knows. I bought a clear one in winter which broke after 1 use. Now I have this new frilly pink one I picked up in my late night k-mart frenzy. She is pretty good. Stay tuned for more news on my developing collection. I have my eye on about 4 more and am yet to buy :)

Ok, that's enough about fetishes.. let's talk about the difference in VIBE at late night shopping. It is different. Maybe it's got something to do with this guy....

Everyone is suspicious of one another, and as mentioned earlier they all stare at what you have bought. I swear I saw one staff member waiting for me to walk past so he could open a packet of lollies. He was stacking the shelves and was taking a while to hold one packet with both hands near the opening, fingers pinched on either side. I was walking toward him to get a basket for my growing collection of stuff and he eye-balled me the whole way until I turned around and I swear I heard him tear open the packet! So if the staff feel comfortable shoplifting, imagine the message that passes onto the customers: us. See Mel's basket of stuff?

....All stolen. Nah just kidding. But look at the lack of people and lack of staff involvement. If you wanted to shoplift, now would be the time. But seriously, here is us leaving with all our stuff....

I spent about $115 in this one trip. I got: 2 pairs of shoes, 1 work top, 1 umbrella, 1 bra, 1 bustier, 1 pair of nderwear, 1 roll of wrapping paper, 1 can deoderant, 1 shampoo, 3 lollipops, 3 skirt coat-hangers, and 6 couch cushions. I am pretty sure that's it. I did well, i think.

So, to conclude... I think shopping at this time of night is better as I dislike bogan crowds and noise and waiting in line for change rooms or registers. I also enjoy people watching, and it is funny at this hour of night. My relaxed attitude meant that I could have a better look around at everything, which ultimately meant I made more purchases, but if I keep this behaviour occasional I'll be fine :)

Side note: I also made this new dish! It's an adapted version of Jamie Oliver's 30 minute feasts. It is Piri Piri Chicken!! I thought it was great! I added sweet potato and potato to it to make it more stew-like...

Loved it! Well, I must be off! Maybe I will remember the recipe one day and update this post :)

wikka wikka

What up people? I have spent a bit of time today going back and reading some of my posts from months and years gone by. Quite interesting reading, I must say! The reason I did this is because my younger brother DK wants me to make a speech at his 21st in a few weeks (eep) and I was looking for material i may have written in here previously. All I found was that story about how he wanted to pretend to be homeless. Oh dear. But there was some good reading to be had. Perhaps you should try it, pick one of my tags on the right and take the trip!

Speaking of trips, I finished reading Trainspotting a few days ago and really liked it. It was dark and dirty and interesting. I liked the chapters that were written phonetically in Scottish, I found it easy enough to follow along. Josh thought I would struggle but I sure proved him wrong :) I think it comes from practice. See, when I was about 12 I remember writing a story for school based on some Irish settlers in Australia and I wrote their dialogue phonetically. Haha. I was years ahead of myself, a child prodigy if you will. Irvine Welsh and I are like kindred spirits or something. I've often wondered if I will ever write a book. I still don't know. Maybe. It would be a cool thing to do, but of course I've had no formal training and it would be more of a hobby than anything really. I'd just love to set up an old type-writer in my cottage in the woods (it's coming) and tap it out. I know that's sooo not practical but I need to have my imagination :) I read an interview with Irvine Welsh who explained that he never really meant to be a writer and had quite a mediocre life and dabbled in drugs quite a bit which kind of kept him in the one place. It sounds as though some of the content of Trainspotting comes directly from his own life! Crazy! Hmm... so what can I write about in my debut novel....? At the moment I think Psycho Family Drama is the main thing I could take from my life to entertain and shock people. Maybe I should keep a journal and look back on it in a few years when I'm not so involved. Watch out for it!

Oh yeah, I went to the Video Store (do we still call it that?) on Monday night to borrow Trainspotting. I've never seen it and wanted to compare it to the book - as you do. I had a bit of a look and couldn't find it, then the dude told me that all copies had been stolen! How fitting!! HA! So I'll watch it sometime soon, my friend Roo says he has it - how exciting!! I seem to be doing a bit of the Movie/Book thing at the moment. The book before Trainspotting was "The girl with the dragon tattoo" which I liked. I then noticed had been made into a movie but I don't think it will be good. Someone tell me otherwise please. And now I've just started reading Truman Capote's 'Breakfast at Tiffany's'. I really like it! It is surprisingly cool and a little bit crazy. I have never seen the movie and totally mis-judged the whole concept and the quality! So I am keen to see what happens to Miss Holly Golightly and I already have the DVD lined up to watch :D Truman Capote, your collected works are about to be eye-raped by me!

Hmm, I am keen to get home today. I have a few things I want to do... like hit the supermarket, go to my friend's house to borrow some Nigel Slater cookbooks, start working on a present for Shiho, clean out my wardrobe, watch an old movie from the set Jim gave me, AND wrap Maki and Mel's Birthday presents! They are getting back from Hawaii soon and I can't wait for them to open them! I can't say much more until then, but I am proud of my efforts and will put pixxx up soon. The reason I need to clean out my wardrobe is because firstly I found a great sale and bought a whole bunch of stuff for around $100 total. Out with the old, in with the new! I got a dress, a bag, 2 pairs of shorts, 3 singlet-ish tops, 2 skirts, 2 dress shirts, and 1 oversized cream rose brooch. All for $100AUD.. amazing hey? I also came home yesterday to find a bag of clothes from my mum in my front doorway. They are from a friend of a friend of someone! The bag was FULL of dresses. There were maybe 10 or so. I modelled them all last night and am keeping i think 4....! They all have a vintage look to them! So good. I don't know exactly where they came from but I am very grateful and can't wait to wear the first one on Friday night! I'm going out to Maha in the city, and having a fancy dinner, drinks and SHISHA! Finally crossing shisha off the list! WOO!

Hopefully this old horror movie I watch tonight won't be actually scary, cos I keep watching horrors when I'm alone at night and freak myself out. In a way I like that irrational fear from scary movies, like how you become convinced someone is in your house. But on the other hand, I really don't. I've been at home alone most of the last week or so because my housemate Maki is in Hawaii and the other guy, Hayden, is staying at his girlfriend's a lot. So I stupidly watched Martyrs, and Funny Games recently for the rush. Well last night it caught up with me. I went to bed around midnight in the empty house and had my window open for the cool breeze coming through. I kept hearing noises outside my window and MUST have started dreaming something freaky. Anyway around 12.45 i hear the front screen door slam shut, but not the main door or anything else, so in my half-wake I convinced myself that someone opened the screen door and tested the wooden door, and when they couldn't get in, they let the screen door slam before walking off. I somehow fell alseep again, then was woken up by something clattering to the floor in the kitchen. Now I was really convinced. I could see light coming under my door and I was frozen sitting upright in bed with my heart pounding and my ears straining to hear. Phone in hand I stood at my bedroom door listening. I heard 2 voices and I thought I could hear a new zealand accent. Haha. I almost called the police but first i thought i should call hayden just in case it was him and if it wasnt, just to let him know i was about do die. I dialled and waited... then i heard his phone ringing. Relieved, I walked out into the house and had a weird conversation with him and Julia where we were all apologising to one another. Them for waking me up so late and scaring me, me for acting so crazily, and possibly Julia for being 95% naked holding something up to her front. Haha. I went to bed pretty quickly after that and fell into a deep sleep. So deep that i woke up late for work again. Ha!    

Anyway, I must be off now, hope we shall meet again soon! :)

NEW BLOG FASHION: F-F-F-FASHION

Well hey there you little rascals! Did you notice my new look blog?? Josh sure seems to like it:



He was actually yawning, but it kinda looks like he is screaming. Besides he ALWAYS says "Oh em gee, HOT!" all the time, especially every time he sees me. If you know him, then you know i am not lying. And if you don't know him then just believe everything I say ^_^ Umm.... OK here are some creepy doll photos I found on my computer that you may like to see.

This one lives at my friend's house and photo bombs a lot of photos. a lot.

I saw this at the Daylesford Mill Market. Sexual Predator sailor, complete with dimples

Don't know why there are wings... or muscles...??

So I don't really know what to say... this post was 100% not planned out. I'll think of something good later I promise!!! I love how I can make my pictures huge now, expect lots of big close-ups :D

Oh, if you are new to this blog try clicking on a few things in the "tag cloud" on the right, which I have aptly named "How to find stuff good", and you will surely find something interesting in there! Oh and a belated HELLO to my newest follower, and now Elite member of society by decree of ME, Clare! Very exciting stuff, folks!! On a scale of strangers to close friends/relatives Clare is somewhere in the middle- which is a first for my followers list! She's a friend of a friend who I used to see most mornings on the train or at gigs but I didn't really know who she was, and because I am a bit socially awkward I never said anything. Recently we spoke for the first time and she complimented me and my bag - remember the one that died recently? Very kind! And now here she is! YAY FOR CLARE! ^_^

flotsamjetsumevileye

ahemmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!

i am just so ready to go home. Not. Even. Joking. You know, ever since i mentioned that thing about the leather gloves i keep seeing them more and more!! I saw a creepy tall thin dude with leather gloves walking infront of me and while i was scrambling for my camera he used his super long legs to jetison himself to 4 blocks away from me before I could even locate the camera in my messy messy bag. Ah well. It's frekinzie me outtt!

So, I have been learning Serbian words at work. Of course I already knew the swear words since primary school, I mean... C'mon! But I have been learning the silliest things I can manage and asking Dragana at work questions while she works. She finds it funny! I learnt how to say "Hey, Friend! I missed you so much!" and i told her that would be my greeting for her every day, haha. What she doesn't know is that I am serious. Deadly serious. BOOM BOOM BOOMBOOM! Ugh am i in a weird mood today...

Another thing I was supposed to report on is my crush status on who I affectionately refer to as "My Wheelchair Sweetie"... who you may know as 'Arty' from Glee. Look back 2 posts to "crush on wheels". So Glee was on last night and I tuned in to see how in love i really was. Unfortunately his face was painted with KISS makeup most of the time and the one time he spoke he sounded like Kermit the Frog *frown* crush fading.... I mean, KISS make-up is cool... but I reckon I looked better that time I painted my face as Gene Simmons. I wish I had a photo of that. I only took a picture on my old phone haha. To re-kindle the crush I should look up some of his boy band videos on You Tube and giggle away to myself.

Anyway, Dragana reckons that I'm better suited to Jackson Rathbone (who i found out is actually named Monroe Jackson Rathbone V) in the way of impossible crushes. I told her about this weird daydream I had about Rathbone the other night. It wasn't even sexy, it was boring and confusing. In this daydream I was in New York at a coffee shop and he was standing in line in front of me and i invited him to have coffee with me and he accepted, and i was all nervous and hoped that it came across as endearing. Wow, how.....awesome. Maybe once i fell asleep things slutted up but i don't remember. What is my imagination coming to when that is what i daydream about. fuck.

What I should be daydreaming about is the holiday josh is taking me on for my birthday :D We are leaving in 8 days going to Nagambie to his dad's cabin my the river, and will stay for 5 nights and chill the fuck out. He will be finished all his uni stuff for this semester and I just want a break from work etc. We get back on the Thursday and I already have Friday off work as an RDO and then on the weekend will be my birthday partyyyy! (which I haven't planned at all.....) It is going to be amazing! Hopefully my new car will be ready in 8 days... but somehow i really doubt it. I didnt notice how bad the hail damage is, i'm going to have to get that fixed but i'm scared about how much it will be :O

So then my birthday is on the 30th June and as a celebration, I'm going to invite everyone I know over to watch the video of my birth!! AWESOMEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Well maybe not...

Ok i need a can of coke cos im about to melt into a puddle or something. need.....couch and....blankettt...and deadwood.... *gurgle*

crush on wheels

Hot Patootie - Bless My Soul! I Really love that Rock and/or Roll! That, ladies and gentlemen, is a sample of Meatloaf's characterisation of "Eddie" in the Rocky Horror Picture Show mixed with a bit of Reverend Lovejoy from the Simpsons. I am, make no mistake, a literary DJ.

So anyway, last night as I was still sick so I decided I had to try to make myself feel better otherwise i would wallow in the murky grey depths of my ill depression. ILL as in SICK - not to be mistaken with late 90's african american slang term often preceded by 'yo, that's...' and followed by 'man/dawg', and SICK as in 'physically unwell' - not to be mistaken with popular slang term meaning 'good'. Surely no alternate meaning can be taken from that one.

So anyway, one weird thing with my cold is that I am super-human hungry, like upending a school bus and shaking the children loose into my slobbering maw hungry. But seriously, if i don't eat regularly i start shaking and find it hard to even walk. Weird. Plus there is ACTUAL grumbly in my tumbly. Winne the Pooh was RIGHT, god damn it!!! The clever son'bitch. I seriously can't remember the last time my stomach growled and squeaked and gurgled.... it would certainly have been after a considerable amount of time between meals - not like yesterday when it was maybe 3 hours after my last meal. I'm starting to think there may be an alien inside of me syphoning all of my energy and nutrients. Maybe it's a teratoma hidden somewhere in my body, who knows. But I did just read an article on teratomas on Monday and I do tend to relate everything i read to some component of my own life, so I am pretty sure I am just imagining things. Pretty sure...

What the fuck am I talking about!? No more tumor talk, I am telling you about my evening. So due to my need to feed i defrosted some pasta sauce i had made last week (yay - go me!) and had a hearty bowl of vegie pasta while I watched THREE, count 'em, THREE episodes of Spongebob SQUAREPANNNTTTSS! That always makes me happy!

After that, I watched some cooking shows (Food Safari and Master Chef) but whilst flicking around on the ad break I stumbled across Glee. It has been on for ages and I have never watched it. I suddenly realised that the sweet wheelchair guy on glee was cute. I found myself sitting up on the couch (i was previously laying down with a pillow and blanket) smiling. I think it's that slight nerdy emo look...the glasses, cardigans and side-swept fringe. He reminds me of a waaay hotter version of Howard from the Big Bang Theory.





Haha, that's him as his Glee character Arty. So watching TV, I suddenly had this daydream play in my head of befriending him and helping to re-build his self esteem while slowly developing an unlikely crush on him and then seducing him and doing a strip tease for him and end up giving him the night of his life in that very chair. After that, we'd be officially a couple and I'd spend my days fighting off criticism and strange looks, and I'd cook so much food for him that he would become obese and then there would be some sort of Dr. Phil style show filming us because I am suddenly classified as a "feeder" and am ruining his chances of ever walking again, or of not developing diabetes. Well most of that I made up right then, but you get the picture. The actor is not disabled - in fact he is a fantastic dancer! He has this slightly too high tooth to face ratio that I like, as below:

well Tim's (Rise Against) teeth are under control there, but I get the vibe still. Speaking of which, Tim still hasn't made it to my wall at work. oops, sorry Tim :P

Anyway I found out that "Kevin McHale" used to be in a 4 piece RnB boyband called "NLT" haha.. they look... awesome...

Did you know!....That because of his passion for dance, he finds it quite difficult to keep his legs still in the chair while singing on Glee. There you go. I am still deciding if he will make it to my wall of boys at work. I don't want to be too hasty - it has only been a 12 hour crush...what is this, Primary School? I might watch an episode next week and see how i feel. Hmm, I dunno...he was in a boy band afterall! Below is my wall at work. As you can see I have all the boys who make me happy to think about/watch/listen to. Spongebob, Josh, The Mars Volta, R-Pattz, Jackson Rathbone, and Chester. There are many more but I can't spend too long changing up my desk cos questions get asked. I have a few pics in the waiting bay, don't you worry :) This wall keeps the other girls at work entertained too!

Anyway, I was running a bath while Glee was on because I thought the soak would help soothe and relax my poor sick body and clear my sinuses (I had to wait until Glee was finished before I went in though because i was strangely hooked to see the outcome). So I have this habit where I put on some old music while i lay in the bath with candles lit and just relax. First it was Billy Holiday, then Ella Fitzgerald, then Roy Orbison and last night Frank Sinatra. The funny thing is, each time I am in the dark bathroom with that nice music wafting in from my adjoining bedroom I always think of some epic movie suicide scene juxtaposed with sweet and happy songs. It sort of freaks me out a little bit, but mostly i just giggle at the images my overactive imagination throws at me. Like one night Hayden and Maki will wonder why Frank Sinatra has been looping for 4 hours and I'm not answering them when they knock on the bathroom door, and they won't want to open it because they realise i'm probably naked and they don't want to embarrass me or themselves. Ok enough of that. I'll never be able to listen to old music in the bath again. Shit. Any better suggestions?

Do you want to know something else that freaks me out? Leather Gloves. Everytime I see someone in the city with leather gloves I immediately picture that person strangling someone. I get this American Psycho/Christopher Walken in Batman Forever vibe from them and seriously I steer clear. You'll see what I mean. You'll see.

Anyway after last night, I feel better. I still am sick, and peeps at work are still razzin' me about it. They are all claiming that they are suddenly sick because of me. I can tell the difference between a fake and a real cough... i can tell. The best news is that my tastebuds are back and I am going to enjoy my dinner tonight SOOOOOO much, and hopefully have a great weekend full of smelling and tasting lots of different things! can't wait!!

friday questions

what is this mysterious door next to the side entrance to my work? home? shop??

why is there no possum under this car??

why is there so many energy drinks in our fridge??

how the fuck are we supposed to get back inside now??

why was this bug on the ground?

why does mel cry glitter?

it's shoe-time!!

this is making me so excited! my eyeballs are so dry from staring so intensly/intently at the screen. and how's about that witty title?? *high five*

aight so here's the story! Today i went le crazy on a girly shopping trip and bought an alarming number of things. you know things... those things you suddenly really need!? well i bought a lot of them. apart from buying 4 pairs of frilly knickers (pronounced in hugh grant's voice), 2 bras, a skirt, 2 'shoe organisers', a decorative cane basket, a falafel kebab, a set of 6 whiskey glasses for josh, 2 wine glasses to replace the ones i murdered, a new can opener to replace the one i also sent into the unforgiving abyss of the afterlife, i also felt the need to buy SEVEN PAIRS OF SHOES!!! "crazy!!!", "haha, i know, right!?" moving on!

surprisingly this didn't cost me heaps! i think i got 7 pairs of shoes for about $100. CIKR! (crazy, i know right). i am going to adopt that little acronym for the time being. genius! so here is me doing a combination of foot modelling and photography prowess... print these mental pictures on silk paper and rub them all over your body - then get on a webcam to me!! ohhhh yes

$19.95 - "rubi shoes"

$10 - the shoe gallery"

$10 - "the shoe gallery"

$10 - "the shoe gallery"

$10 - "the shoe gallery"

$39 - "the shoe gallery"

$10 - "the shoe gallery". $10 gallaz...!!!

for the whole gang is here, roll it out, roll it out, let's do the beer barrel polka!!! anyway these shoes are all awesome and reeeeally cheap! now you know why i had to buy 2 shoe organisers to fit them in!

anyway let me tell you what else is awesome right now: my dad bought me over about 12 heads of broccoli today and now i have to eat them! i gave a few away to mum and used one to add to the pasta sauce for dinner, but i still have lots! knowing me, i could throw them into the vegie patch out the back and somehow wind up selling broccoli for a living. i'll buy up all the land behind the house to expand into a proper farm. what an overgrown wonderland it would be. ewan mcgregor could star in a movie thats filmed there an the location! coooool! but then the cast of entourage might show up to hang out and i really dont want to see them.

anyway on another note- i have watched the twilight movie TWICE in 2 days. OMG CIKR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
and here is what i thought about this movie: it is an abomination! i will go into WHY in another post, but abomonation aside,... i keep wanting to watch it. its like a quick fix, i need a hit man!! it wasnt as bad the second time, and i kind of love it by default due to its twilightness. haha oh well. oh and you know what! i have another celeb crush apart from robert pattinson!! it is the actor who plays 'jasper' - jackson rathbone. he is so daaaaaym hot, and then myself and hayden realised he reminds us of josh. woohooo! i am celeb crazy right now, i dont even know who i am anymore. i cant believe twilight has affected me so much. i think i need counseling of some sort. i'll be back to myself in no time :)

you know what else is awesome? dwight! so i'm going to go watch the american office for a bit because it's severely distracting me from my duty to serve you good people in blog form! adios muchachos, hasta la vista!

and i'm not even being dumb by saying that in an 'arnie' voice - it's a legitimate greeting in a legitimate language! hasta la vista! it sounds so much better in its native tongue :)

i apologise if you find this blog post a little crazy, i probably will too when i read it back tomorrow. OMG LOL CIKR

the demise of marilyn and the rise of emo-white

If I may steal your attention for a moment from that scintilating post title, I'd like to show you these cupcakes that Hayden and Josh delivered to me at work yesterday :D

They came from a store called The Organic Food and Wine Deli on Degraves Street in Melbz. I told HAydz about this place a few months back, and I was planning to go there one lunch-break and check it out and perhaps buy a family sized Vegan Pie for dinner - but then i thought of a better way to spend a billion dollars. *ba boom TISH* Not that I know the cost of said pie, but I can imagine it is pricey. Anyway these cupcakes were delicious and I highly recommend you check this place out. It looks like they have all kinds of goodies! If you can't get there I may have to make it possible for you to visit vicariously through my blog ;)

Ok, onto the GRIT! So I was told that the re-growth on my bombshell blonde hair was beginning to look rather 'skanky'. nice. So I went and got the advice of the apparently clever employees at Hairhouse Warehouse. The girl there told me that my natural hair colour was black judging by the roots. I explained that she had her facts wrong, and that my hair is in fact dark brown. I should have taken the hint and got out of there right then! However, silly me, I did not leave! She explained about how hair colour reacts with bleached hair and got me $45 worth of creams and tubes from the shelf and helpfully took them to the register. I wasn't actually planning on buying them until Thursday but then I realised my night plans had been cancelled so I had a whole night free to do it. But then I realised that I probably didn't have enough money in my acount due to my weekend spending spree and the mortgage being taken from the account that morning. hmm. When my card declined I should have just realised it wasnt meant to be, but after she had handwritten the instructions for me, how could I say no!? TELL ME!!!

Mr. Hayden came through and put it on his card for me, and when I got home i set about getting ready!

Step 1) Mix 1 tube of bird shit with 1/2 tube of plaque and 60mL fresh semen.

It should look a little something like this:

yes, that is chocolate yogo! Then divide your hair into 4 sections and start to apply the yogo until you look like a top deck chocolate.

Then wait 35 minutes and take stupid photos of what you would look like as a boy...

Rinse, Dry and repeat process. I should have seen it coming, but now I look like a fucking emo (i am doing an emo pose on purpose)...

Maybe 5 years ago I would have been OK with this, but these days I am not so keen. Dragana at work says it will fade within a week, I sure hope so. This is supposedly my "natural colour" according to the girl at Hairhouse Warehouse hmm.... I have one thing to say to you honey: wipe off that angel face and go back to high-school.

Anyway, I must apologise to everyone as my standard of writing is slipping. I re-read an old post of mine and it was, might I say, a joy to read. But these days I seem to have developed a rather cavalier attitude towards my writing. And I keep spelling simple words wrong that I mastered in primary school. Like "Piece" and "brought/bought". I think my brain is melting - there is no other explanation for it. I will try to remedy this and report back.

Jade (emo face) out

new follower: PIXIE_BEX

two great things have happened to me recently. First: on "Hungry Beast" last night I watched an exposé piece on women's vaginas and discovered that i have a beautiful vagina, one that adult magazines EDIT vaginas to look like. It is a great day for me. However, before last night I did not even know what "protruding labia minora" was, and had no idea that a vagina could look that way - some of them quite shocking. And that is apparently normal. They said on the show that many girls get disillusioned growing up because they only see these perfect vaginas in the media and textbook diagrams etc... and many girls dont know what other vaginas look like.

I am almost 23 and I don't even know anything about vaginas. I have been lied to my whole life! It was the first time i realised the term "labiaplasty" was a real thing, not just a silly plot line on Nip/Tuck, and to see someone's labia cut off with a scalpel is not something that i enjoyed watching..at all. I have a new perspective on life today, I feel twice as hot. Hooray! BTW: i said the word "vagina" 8 times just now, hehe

The second (non-vajayjay related) thing is that I have a new follower!! That is 6 now, count 'em, 6 followers! WOW! My pea-sized head just grew a few inches right then and there!! Now I can finally stop shopping for hats in the childrens section!!! I might even pick myself up an Akubra to celebrate :D (not)

Where was I...? Oh yes, here is Bec...

or is it...HILARY DUFF?!?!? Nope, it's Bec. And that crazed brunette lunatic clutching onto her for dear life is the one and only Moi. Unfortunately you cant see my vagina in that picture, it wasn't the right lighting for it anyway! Bec just so happens to be my cousin - the one who lives in Adelaide. Let me tell you her harrowing tale:

Rebecca Timbaland Kelly XIV spent most of her childhood locked in the dark attic of a cattle farmer's house in the Victorian countryside. Don't get the wrong idea here - she wasn't being held hostage or as some kind of baby-machine or anything- rather, she locked herself in there at will... frequently. The police arrested her 47 times for trespassing before she had even reached the age of 10. The fact that she lived 4 hours away and had no connection to this farm baffled everyone - the Police especially.

One night when the farmer's daughter awoke to Rebecca perched on the end of her bed with a knife between her teeth and a ripped up restraining order on the floor reeking of human excrements, the Police were forced to take stronger action against this once harmless intruder. It was clear to her family that Rebecca had truly lost her mind, and at only 15 she was dragged back home once again by police, this time beaten within an inch of her life. Her parents thought this was a fitting punishment for all of her bad behaviour so they did not raise the issue with the policeman who handed her over. Instead they noticed his split and bloody knuckles, all broken from the justice served upon poor Rebecca's face, and offered to get him an ice-pack and some pain killers.

Poor Rebecca was left in the front entrance-way to die, like a sick baby bird ejected from its nest. Every morning when her parents would step over her festering almost-lifeless body on their way to work, she would wait for the breakfast crumbs around their mouth to fall down to the ground, within reach of her tongue. Sometimes if it was windy outside a leaf or two would blow inside and fly into her mouth. Eventually she found the strength to get up after she swallowed a mouse who stupidly thought her open mouth was a little hidey-hole. It was after this day that Bec became a vegetarian and also began her life-long addiction to Coke. Coca-Cola that is.

When she finally was on her feet and saw her mangled face and poorly re-formed bones in the mirror she howled in rage. Her parents heard the noise from the kitchen and froze as she hobbled toward them on her broken leg. They had hoped she would just die, but now that they could be jailed for negligence, they knew they had to finish the job. They started pelting her with cans of Coke - the nearest thing in reach. It was like a warzone. She matched their firepower with all she had to fire: her teeth. She spat those little white bullets further and with more velocity than a speeding bullet. She had taken down her parents with only 3 teeth. She bent to pick up a can of Coke which was dented and fizzing on the ground by her feet, and she drank that whole can like the man on the Solo ads. The sugar rush took her pain away, and from that day her mantra became "Coke make bad go bye bye".

With nobody to turn to for help, Bec started wandering the streets until one day she found herself in the neighbourhood of her cousin Jade. Weak from hunger, and anxious to get away from the mob carrying pitchforks and torches that had been following her for 2 days, Bec had no choice but to turn to Jade for help. Her face was so badly pulverised that Jade has trouble recognising her, but quickly took her in because she is such a nice person. At only 13, Jade didn't have enough pocket money to pay for Bec's facial reconstruction, and in her condition Bec was unable to work. This left only one option for the two youngsters. Bec decided that Jade should become a prostitute and that she would be her Pimp. The details here are a little sketchy but one source tells me that Bec used Jade's obsession with Leo DiCaprio to her advantage, by promising that if Jade ever wanted to marry Leo he would want an experienced wife. Jade believed every word and they started business together. This went on for 2 years, in which time Bec made more than enough to pay for her surgery, but her Coke habit was costing her hundreds per week. She prefered to buy single cans rather than bulk packs, so her expensive taste won over on the bank accounts. Eventually Jade had calculated how much money was being thrown away and told Bec that the game was up, and that she couldn't do it anymore. This is when they had their epic falling out. Bec reminded Jade of all the nights she had nursed her after a bad trick, pouring Coke slowly into her mouth as she lay there exhausted and almost unconscious - but to Jade the damage had long since been done. Jade sent her cousin away with just enough money to get her facial reconstruction surgery, and said she never wanted to see her again.

Bec got her surgery but the healing process was hell for her as the doctor made her look like Hilary Duff and she was stopped by every 2nd person she passed on the street. She continued drinking a slab of Coke per day to ease her pain and the other hobos she lived near warned her that she would overdose soon, and that she wouldn't like where she ended up. Bec was too foolhardy to listen, she kept drinking more and more. One day, after her 80th can of coke her craziness started to vibrate her whole body until her water molecules broke into steam and she simply disappeared floated away into thin air. She landed in Adelaide some days later, and by this time she was withdrawing hard. A local nun took her in and nursed her back to normalcy, until Bec found a share-house and a job.

She began stalking me on my blog about a year ago, and since then we have become close again. I should know all the details of this story quite well for I... I am her cousin Jade in the story...

*sob*

Thank you for becoming a follower Bec, you made my day - hopefully this story makes yours :)

Quintessential Reading

It's actually not that quintessential, but I noticed that i have no post titles beginning with the Letter Q, and it was the first Q word that popped into my head!

So yesterday i mentioned that i wanted to cook dinner last night. Well sirs, I certainly did. I got home and checked out the veggie situation and saw carrots, potatoes, celery, zucchini.... immediately i thought MINESTRONE. Luckily we had tinned tomatoes, and lots of tinned beanzzz! And of course we always have onion and garlic. They are like housemates numbers 3 and 4.

So Hayden helped me prepare all the vegetables then i started cooking a big batch spread over 2 pots! It was around 7.30pm when i remembered i had to add the frozen beans and peas so i went to get them from the chest freezer in the laundry. To my horror, i opened it and it seemed as though it had been turned off for a few days at least. Everything was melted/thawed/off. With the wedding and valentines day over the weekend we did no cooking, so never realised! Although Maki said he noticed a bad smell, and Josh said that on FRIDAY he thought the bread was not frozen when he got it out of the freezer. I will give him credit because this was at 5:00am when he was getting ready for work. So yes, I threw most things away but a few things were fine still. It was so annoying. Good old Hayden flew down to the supermarket to get me some beans and peas and more So Good Ice Cream (as we had to throw away 3 melted tubs of it) while i cleaned up the mess. So i have fixed the faulty plug issue and hopefully this doesn't happen again.

On the bright side, the minestrone was awesommmee! I didn't take a photo in all the confusion, and Josh's mum came around when i was almost finished cooking it. If there is some left over tonight i will take a picture and post the recipe :)

Also last night we watched MAJOR PAYNE - an old childhood fave. It was still funny, but probably not AS funny. Maybe a different kind of funny. Just like 'The Mask' :D besssstt!

Ok, so here at work we have a Birthday tradition. Of course we do cake, but we also do $2 presents. They are meant to be jokes but people always buy proper things. On our lunch breaks you will find us at the $2 shop scrounging around for the best thing. One time i got a someone a piece of artificial fruit. Today is Dragana's birthday. She's my age and thinks I am funny because I know some Serbian swear words and say them out loud and nobody but her and I know what they mean. I also have my own tradition for people's birthdays. I write them strange poems. For example I wrote one for Lucinda a while back, and now everyone hassles me for them. So i am part-way through Dragana's but i keep getting interrupted (damn work!!) haha. I suck. I think it all started back in 2007 when i let my creative side show and now everyone looks forward to their poems or cards. I have little enthusiasm for it now cos it's expected of me, but i still do it. I went through a "rap" phase where they all sounded like rap lyrics. pretty funny. I'll post dragana's poem later. i have a headache and have had no coffee so it won't be greaaaaat.

Also. Dragana is obsessed with many things... Harry Potter, Hannah Montana (and she teases me for loving Spongebob! FFFFSSSSSS) , and Twilight. Oh yes, twilight. Just like everyone in the world is obsessed with it... except me. I haven't read any of the books or seen any of the movies, and the girls at work have been putting the pressure on more and more in the leadup to the 3rd movie. This morning they were telling me i should read it and i protested again. Before, I was playing this game with Drags (Dragana) where I ask "If you were at Hogwarts, what house would you be in?" (she answered "hopefully Griffyndor") and then we got to talking about who we would rather kiss out of Harry or Ron. She said Ron, which surprised me, cos that's my answer too. She also said she would prefer to kiss the twins than Harry. I started screaming and calling her a freak, until she explained she meant the BOOK TWINS, not the MOVIE TWINS. Thank fucking christ! That's when I realised that this other girl Kate hasn't read or seen any HP, which upsets and angers me, so i made a compromise - I would read the twilight books if she reads the HP books. While i know that HP is amazing, i am not so sure about twilight. I dunno, i DO like vampires... but i was repelled by all the hype.

This is happening folks. I will be undergoing what could be a life changing experience. I will no doubt be wearing an "I *heart* Edward" t-shirt next week. I am a little nervous, a little apprehensive, BUT i am also ready to let go and be washed away in the potential coolness of the books.

oh god. well even if i become a FAN, i will never be like this friend of my cousin. She is in Year 12 this year i guess, but last year she threw a Birthday party FOR the character Edward. Apparently you find out his date of birth in the book...? It was complete with a cake, a viewing of the movie, and playing the board game. Sounds like... fun. Apparently she is a little TOO obsessed. I think she was the only one enjoying herself that night!

Anyway, must write this poem, good boo!

so long and thanks for all the fish

HIGH! Monday again... weeeee! The title of this post does not denote me writing a final post before disappearing into oblivion, rather it is just a homage to the hitch-hikers guide to the galaxy books which i love so dearly. Glad we cleared that up, now we can move on... So the past week has been pretty interesting i suppose. I saw some cool things, namely Exhibit A through D....

Exhibit A) Roof people:

These people live on roofs (rooves?) just like you would live indoors. I startled this particular roofie (lol) as i think he was going to the toilet at the time. my bad!

Exhibit B) Mascot Bear:

This bear is the mascot of my friend's house. After a quick google search i find it is called RILAKKUMA which apparently is a combination of Relax (in japanese pronounced RILAKUSU) and bear (Kuma). While it is pretty cute, it doesn't look as though it is relaxing. It looks more like it is standing guard, monitoring the room through its robot eye room-scan device. I can just picture it detecting movement of a spider across the room and springing to life... jumping down to the ground and taking tiny measured robotic steps forward toward its target, walking right through anything in its path -even the couch - until it reaches its target wherupon it raises its tiny arm and shoots a laser at the spider - incinerating it into oblivion. Totally.

~

Exhibit C) A Door with a handle in the centre:

I was told that the lock mechanism is custom made and is the length of half the door because it has to reach the doorframe. One question.. why? It is really awkward to open and close as the door is heavy, and it is a strange place to be pushing the weight from. Well, if i were an engineer or architect, maybe i could have given some different advice. But i'm not, so my words are pathetic nothings on the breeze. Oh well, i will just enjoy my door with the handle on the side.

~

Exhibit D) John Lemon

I found this in my dad's car on Saturday. He was sitting in the passenger seat and I had to move him when i got in. I got this creepy "survivor" Wilson vibe from it... i didn't know my dad had such trouble making friends. The thing i hate most about him is the dead look in his eyes...well in his Tek Screws. Dad said one of the guys that works for him made it and named it. Sure Dad, sure.

~

~~

Oh, sad news on the weekend... on Saturday my fish Tweedle-Dee Died at the ripe old age of 3.5 years :(

Just after I unveiled him to the world on my blog, along with the new blue rocks and plant, he left me. The fame got to him I guess... life in the spotlight perhaps was a little too hot. Secretly I think it was the drugs, i even once saw him wrapping the fake plant around his neck in what i can only assume is his wardrobe. It was pretty devastating cos I had to flush him, and i couldn't deal with cleaning out his bowl so soon after he was floating in it. I just covered the opening with a tissue box, but Chester was confused as to why he couldn't access his drinking bowl. He eventually outsmarted me and pushed the tissue box off with his nose and went to have a drink of the DEAD FISH WATER. I ran across the room and grabbed him and tipped the water down the sink as he watched me in outrage. He promptly jumped on the bench to where i had left the empty bowl sitting, and tried sticking his head in it to get some water which made me get pretty emotional. He refused to drink water from his ACTUAL water bowl next to his food, and i was worried he would dehydrate. I had friends over on Saturday night and Chester showed them all his heart-wrenching display of loss and longing for his full fishbowl. I think it pulled many a heart-string. Damn that ginger cat.

~

On Sunday Josh decided that we should probably get another fish to restore the balance in the house. We were at his dad's place and they said we could take one of the fish from their pond. We went out and sat by the pond in the sunshine watching the fish for probably half an hour or so. Apparently all the fish in there, and i'm guessing there are about 50, are all related. They bought a few from the pet-shop and every year they just keep breeding so now there are fish of every description swimming around! They named one Hitler because it has a little black moustache and a little black patch on its head for hair. Also one is called Mick Jagger because it has big red lips. Another one is called Sinker because it has a problem with its "swim bladder" and when it stops swimming it just sinks to the bottom. Interesting.

So i picked a little one and took it home and this is him/her:

I wanted to call it Ron Weasley because it has a red head, but Josh isn't cool with that, maybe because i had a crush on Rupert Grint for a few months recently heh. He said "Ron" might be ok, but wants to brainstorm a list of better names. He suggested Frank which i like, but we'll see how we go. Here is Chester having a loooong drink from the renewed fish bowl, notice the fish's face hahaha it looks like he is screaming:

Well the dog drinks from the pond where the fish used to live, so he is ok with the cat. Today i have to go the the pet store near my work and get a new tube for the aerator that Josh's dad gave me. I have never used one before, but i really want to try and get this little guy to live longer than Tweedle-Dee. Could be a little tough. I wonder how old this fish is... or even how old Tweedle-dee was when i got him. Maybe he was already like 50 years old! Nah. The more i think about it, I dont think fish are meant to be kept in bowls, they last so much longer in ponds and grow so big. I want a pond now. But first i will be concentrating on my chicken plan. I plan to build a coop and have some cute chooks :) hooraaaahhh

anyway, i have lots more to say but i will save it for a new post as this one is getting quite long! Toorah lovies!

twiddle dee-tuesday

Day 2 without a camera. Eyes adjusting to life outside the lense... urge to photograph strangers dissipating... will to live - almost gone. nah not really, i havent seen anything that made me want to take a picture yet. BUT my beach themed work xmas party is in 2 days and i wish i could have a camera for that. I will just make sure to squeeze into everyone elses photos so i can pinch them off facebook haha. Or i will hijack one of the cameras at the party and take a billion photos, so the next day they are hungover going through the pics and wondering why there are like 50 blurred photos of my head from an above angle. haha.

anyway where was i...? i have nothing to report except that josh and his dad were mega sea-sick all day yesterday. Not sure how they are going today, i will have to wait until they dock somewhere tonight and i'll find out. i feel bad for them. i bet vomitting all day long is not fun.

i just bought some tan in a can for the xmas party costume. I was going to go as spongebob but scrapped the idea cos i'm too lazy to get all the bits i'm missing. so instead i'm going as a cute sailor girl - should be fun!

on another, funny, note... i ran into my friend's mum on the weekend and had a brief chat to her. Then she went home and said to my friend how well spoken and polite i am. haha. it's such a nice and lovely thing to say, but it has to be the weirdest compliment i have ever received. sweeeet. i must not hear the way i talk, cos people think i sound british or south african or something. really odd.

anyway i'm boring, BYE

gingerbread many men men

Well today started off stupidly. I struggled to get up, then eventually got ready and drove to the station in the pouring rain. I was about to get out of the car and run to the station with no umbrella when i realised i left my bag at home. my bag. what girl forgets their bag...? anyway i did the whole "fuck fuck fuck" thang, and drove back home to get my precious bag. I then drove BACK to the station in the rain (again i forgot an umbrella) and spent ages looking for a carpark. Then i was briskly walking through the carpark to get the train and this woman in front of me rolled her ankle and fell with a splash into a biiiig puddle. She had an umbrella in her hand and everything, she just went doooown. I tried to help her but she was so embarrassed and saturated that she kind of brushed me off. then i saw another lady with a huuuge run in her black stockings. it's just "one of those days" for everyone i guess.

i had yesterday off work and just moped around home and got so bored and restless so i cleaned and cleaned and cleaned. oh and i also made this:



it looks kind of like a crazy eyeball, but it's actually food dye on icing! It spreads in this crazy pattern, it's so cool to watch! I made the icing to go on GINERBREAD MENNNN!!!! This one was my favourite:

This one got bustedz in the oven so i stitched him up. also i didnt have a piping bag and got sick of making ones out of baking paper so i ended up using a teaspoon and it was kind of a wonky result.

This next one was meant to be an old man, and i thought Josh would find it really cute when he got home. Instead he looked horrified and thinks i meant it to look as though the gingie man has just taken a load of spunk in the face. true, the white icing does look rather semen-ish... but i would never create a gingerbread man with desinger sperm on his face. i was merely trying to hide the fact that he had a broken neck! I swear!

This next one was meant to be a smile, but i was too heavy handed and it looks like "the scream" by van gogh. oh well. i tried!