I am almost 23 and I don't even know anything about vaginas. I have been lied to my whole life! It was the first time i realised the term "labiaplasty" was a real thing, not just a silly plot line on Nip/Tuck, and to see someone's labia cut off with a scalpel is not something that i enjoyed watching..at all. I have a new perspective on life today, I feel twice as hot. Hooray! BTW: i said the word "vagina" 8 times just now, hehe
The second (non-vajayjay related) thing is that I have a new follower!! That is 6 now, count 'em, 6 followers! WOW! My pea-sized head just grew a few inches right then and there!! Now I can finally stop shopping for hats in the childrens section!!! I might even pick myself up an Akubra to celebrate :D (not)
Where was I...? Oh yes, here is Bec...
or is it...HILARY DUFF?!?!? Nope, it's Bec. And that crazed brunette lunatic clutching onto her for dear life is the one and only Moi. Unfortunately you cant see my vagina in that picture, it wasn't the right lighting for it anyway! Bec just so happens to be my cousin - the one who lives in Adelaide. Let me tell you her harrowing tale:Rebecca Timbaland Kelly XIV spent most of her childhood locked in the dark attic of a cattle farmer's house in the Victorian countryside. Don't get the wrong idea here - she wasn't being held hostage or as some kind of baby-machine or anything- rather, she locked herself in there at will... frequently. The police arrested her 47 times for trespassing before she had even reached the age of 10. The fact that she lived 4 hours away and had no connection to this farm baffled everyone - the Police especially.
One night when the farmer's daughter awoke to Rebecca perched on the end of her bed with a knife between her teeth and a ripped up restraining order on the floor reeking of human excrements, the Police were forced to take stronger action against this once harmless intruder. It was clear to her family that Rebecca had truly lost her mind, and at only 15 she was dragged back home once again by police, this time beaten within an inch of her life. Her parents thought this was a fitting punishment for all of her bad behaviour so they did not raise the issue with the policeman who handed her over. Instead they noticed his split and bloody knuckles, all broken from the justice served upon poor Rebecca's face, and offered to get him an ice-pack and some pain killers.
Poor Rebecca was left in the front entrance-way to die, like a sick baby bird ejected from its nest. Every morning when her parents would step over her festering almost-lifeless body on their way to work, she would wait for the breakfast crumbs around their mouth to fall down to the ground, within reach of her tongue. Sometimes if it was windy outside a leaf or two would blow inside and fly into her mouth. Eventually she found the strength to get up after she swallowed a mouse who stupidly thought her open mouth was a little hidey-hole. It was after this day that Bec became a vegetarian and also began her life-long addiction to Coke. Coca-Cola that is.
When she finally was on her feet and saw her mangled face and poorly re-formed bones in the mirror she howled in rage. Her parents heard the noise from the kitchen and froze as she hobbled toward them on her broken leg. They had hoped she would just die, but now that they could be jailed for negligence, they knew they had to finish the job. They started pelting her with cans of Coke - the nearest thing in reach. It was like a warzone. She matched their firepower with all she had to fire: her teeth. She spat those little white bullets further and with more velocity than a speeding bullet. She had taken down her parents with only 3 teeth. She bent to pick up a can of Coke which was dented and fizzing on the ground by her feet, and she drank that whole can like the man on the Solo ads. The sugar rush took her pain away, and from that day her mantra became "Coke make bad go bye bye".
With nobody to turn to for help, Bec started wandering the streets until one day she found herself in the neighbourhood of her cousin Jade. Weak from hunger, and anxious to get away from the mob carrying pitchforks and torches that had been following her for 2 days, Bec had no choice but to turn to Jade for help. Her face was so badly pulverised that Jade has trouble recognising her, but quickly took her in because she is such a nice person. At only 13, Jade didn't have enough pocket money to pay for Bec's facial reconstruction, and in her condition Bec was unable to work. This left only one option for the two youngsters. Bec decided that Jade should become a prostitute and that she would be her Pimp. The details here are a little sketchy but one source tells me that Bec used Jade's obsession with Leo DiCaprio to her advantage, by promising that if Jade ever wanted to marry Leo he would want an experienced wife. Jade believed every word and they started business together. This went on for 2 years, in which time Bec made more than enough to pay for her surgery, but her Coke habit was costing her hundreds per week. She prefered to buy single cans rather than bulk packs, so her expensive taste won over on the bank accounts. Eventually Jade had calculated how much money was being thrown away and told Bec that the game was up, and that she couldn't do it anymore. This is when they had their epic falling out. Bec reminded Jade of all the nights she had nursed her after a bad trick, pouring Coke slowly into her mouth as she lay there exhausted and almost unconscious - but to Jade the damage had long since been done. Jade sent her cousin away with just enough money to get her facial reconstruction surgery, and said she never wanted to see her again.
Bec got her surgery but the healing process was hell for her as the doctor made her look like Hilary Duff and she was stopped by every 2nd person she passed on the street. She continued drinking a slab of Coke per day to ease her pain and the other hobos she lived near warned her that she would overdose soon, and that she wouldn't like where she ended up. Bec was too foolhardy to listen, she kept drinking more and more. One day, after her 80th can of coke her craziness started to vibrate her whole body until her water molecules broke into steam and she simply disappeared floated away into thin air. She landed in Adelaide some days later, and by this time she was withdrawing hard. A local nun took her in and nursed her back to normalcy, until Bec found a share-house and a job.
She began stalking me on my blog about a year ago, and since then we have become close again. I should know all the details of this story quite well for I... I am her cousin Jade in the story...
*sob*
Thank you for becoming a follower Bec, you made my day - hopefully this story makes yours :)
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