AuthorDr. Jade Kelly
Born in Mexico during the 1980’s rebellion against horse farming Jade began life as a female. As life would have it she remained that way until today… the way that sentence rhymed was a true indication of just how poetic this girl was to become. Her love of horses drover her to Australia in 1992 and allow her to dig for gold. She found potatoes instead and became knows as Ms Smiths Chips in 1995 for her musical appearance in “Chips”! However, “Chips 2” in 2001 was not as widely acclaimed and she found herself floating face down in the river Murray.
She was fished out by a lanky boy and they were married on Christmas eve 2008 in Japan (because that’s where she thought the Olympics were… actually it was a secret mission to enjoy the Japanese culture again and convinced everyone to follow suit! Actually, most people couldn’t be bothered with China and preferred the porn vending machines of Japan). Their wedding was held on a boat that was pulled along by dolphins deliberately induced with a seizure drug called “splash a lot”. A romantic night with lots of noise drew Jade's attention to Rock’n’Roll, and seeing as Japan was the ultimate lock’n’loll place on the planet, Jade quickly became a member of an all girl rock group as a bass player.
Her rising stardom drew her to the world of Harry Potter, and her interest in books began to slowly slide down the wall as though it were a heroin addict taking their final hit of horse hammer. It was in the pits of this despair that she decided to cook a medium sized cake and name if after Lamington Bartholomew, an influential racist at the time who was convinced that if you paint darker skin white you would cure the disease, Lamingtons. Her recipe rose to fame and her interest in writing began to swell up insider her like a high school kids penis the morning before maths class with sexy teacher Miss Lolly.
*Biography courtesy of Sir Daragh Quinn PHD in History, University of Adelaide.
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