Daragh said I should write this letter to him. I must say it was very therapeutic. He will no doubt rebut or return the slander...
Dear Daragh Quinn,
I'm writing to tell you that we can no longer be friends.
I'm sure you are already aware of the reasons why I detest your pitiful existence but I will have to re-iterate because so far you have managed to ignore my multiple pleas to curl up and die, and still cling onto the frail bond that BARELY exists between us.
OK, so for starters - get a real name. Do you know how annoying it was to figure out how your name was pronounced when I first saw it? Well i'll tell you - it was pretty fucking hard. I would have much prefered to spend that time and energy scraping under my toenails and eating whatever I found. And all of that energy I SELFLESSLY, that's right SELFLESSLY, expended on your behalf was thrown back in my face the next time I spoke to my cousin and she told me your name was DA-RA like DA in "dapple" and RA like in "Ranga". She laughed at me for thinking your name was "da-rahhh" pronounced in a hoity toity kind of way. Right now I would love to dissolve into an undiscipherable Courtney Love style facebook rant detailing how annoying you are chiefly because of your dumb FACE!
Another reason you should be castrated before you damage the planet any further is that you probably have Famers Union iced coffee for sperm by now, and aside form the fact that your child would have severe brain damage under normal circumstances, it would just be murder to bring it (that's right) into the world. Even if you tried to find the most desirable genetic female to carry your child, I'm pretty sure that it would just drag her down into the pits of hell with it. You have no chance, and I aim to end your gentic line now. You know that guy who always follows you around and then kicks you in the groin at unexpected moments? Well yes, I hired him. I'm just trying to make the world a better place here fella, it's what MJ would have wanted...
So I have to admit that you aren't TOTALLY useless. I guess as an engineer you design parts for drills or something, right? Also you draw comics sometimes which are funny once you have explained it to me for the second time as I cannot usually get onto the correct wavelength to understand. Unlike you, I do not get "mistaken" for an acid tripper at work and get relocated to another state. Maybe when you are dead they will use one of your drills to dig the grave, or if you are burned alive they will use your comics as kindling? We can only hope.
Another thing that annoys me is that you live in Perth. Come on. Who lives in Perth?? I suppose it is just that much further away that I dont have to associate with you and your stinky bumholeface! I guess that's a plus. When I am making falafels tonight I will end up sad because i just know that when I am trying to form the little balls I will be so angry that you are alive that I will pound them into non-existence. Then no falafels for me :(
The real reason that I hate you so much is hard for me to go into without wanting to snap the keyboard into little pieces... but here I go. When I met you - the first, only and hopefully LAST time - I discovered something about you which made my blood boil. The fact that you were so non-chalant about it made it even worse. The reason I wish you dead is because you had never heard of that trick where you stand in a doorway and press the backs of your hands hard against the frame for an extended period of time and then step forward and put your hands at your side and watch the magic fun fun times ensue. I just cannot live with that, I'm sorry.
It doesn't bother me that you are a racist or a sexist or addicted to smothering yourself in farmers union iced coffee and having dogs lick you clean... none of that matters. Everyone has their quirks.. But this i will not stand for. I WILL NOT.
Now, If I have learnt anything from TV - Dexter has taught me the best way to dispose of unwanted problems. The next time you see me Daragh, will be when you walk into your front room and see everything covered in glad wrap, and i will pop out frombehind the door and fulfill my destiny. There is no other way. It doesn't matter that you TRIED the trick at the pub, the damage had been done long ago.
Well old frenemy... I guess this is it.
Until the Gladwrap,
Jade
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